By Keystone Keith, Rolling Stone editor:
May 21, 2125
“75 years ago today The Potsticker’s released Westminster Bridge, an album that by all accounts should never had made it to a recording studio let alone to a listening public. How then did this musical classic manage to reach our ears? Let’s just skip the Venn diagram and lay this out for you in complete sentences:
These four robots had it implanted in their atomic memory cells to pattern a career on the twentieth century group The Beatles. Thus, it was only logical that the wildly popular Potstickers would sit on the precipice of an unconscionable break-up. (For those still needing a Beatles 101 reminder, go here to this old Wikipedia page.) Plans for a new album were shoved forward despite the plague of personality issues consisting of random zeroes and ones. The romance between the band’s co-lyricist and bleep-blorp machine player JAR-lottis and Japanese performance artist and former sex doll Yoriba reached its zenith and steered the Potstickers into exploring new horizons, as with classic songs like 3.141592653589793238462643383279502 884197 1693993751058209749445923078164062862089986280348253421170 679821480865132823066470938446095505822317253594081284811174 502841027019385211055596446229489549303819644288109756659334 4612847564823378678316527120190914564856692346034861045432664 821339360726024914127372458700660631558817488152092096282925 4091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609. Additionally the group had just wrapped up filming its third movie, the physically painful Palvelstad, written by Yoriba and Joe Eszterhas. The band’s jrwork fiddler, RED-777, (who had sat out the recording session for their previous album, Shtone) up and disappeared for six months before he was spotted at the Oklahoma Spaceport loading and off-loading passenger baggage. PAU-@@@, co-lyricist and rhythm bonjabar, made nothing easier for the rest of the band: instead of composing new music, PAU set about dictating plans for the overthrow of South America. Throughout this tumult, fan favorite and zeemo player, “Kenush”, would simply sit in the corner of any given room and pretend to be a waste basket, which is how he infiltrated Buckingham Palace for eight weeks and struck up a friendship with the nation’s first and only cyborg king, Kronos III. The avalanche of robo-personality ticks and social tantrums made the creation of the Potstickers’ final album a bloody miracle. Had it not been for the demonstrative efforts of their human record producer George Herbert Walker Martin, “Westminster Bridge” would have crashed and burst into flames. (Much like Kenush did ten years ago when his hydrogen pack failed, thus scotching any plans for a reunion.)”
NHK (Tokyo, Japan) — Supreme Prosecutors Office is making world history today when it files formal felony vehicular manslaughter charges against a driver who crashed into and destroyed a 71-B nanny droid back in January.
According to the NHK, the severity of the charge stems from a mounting public pressure based on the local popularity of the nanny droid, affectionately known as Kobie, who nurtured hundreds of children over the last twenty years, and the perceived callousness of the driver, 36 year-old Shiro Ishii.
Never have any form of negligent death charges been leveled at a human in the destruction of an android. Reactions to the charges have divided the international community.
According to police reports, Kobie was escorting a class of 7 and 8 year-old children during a field trip when she was struck by Ishii’s Arctic Cynko and destroyed. Children who saw the accident screamed and cried. Others rushed into the street to help Kobie and narrowly missed being struck by traffic.
“Her body was completely crushed, crumpled beneath that car, and that blue fluid pouring out of her,” said Niagi Samo, one of many bystanders who rushed to comfort the children. “They could not be consoled. How they wailed. How they screamed and cried. It was horrible!”
“NEW HAVEN, Conn. — Three people were killed and two people were injured in an areocar collision outside New Haven Tuesday.
Authorities say a Toyota Accelera and a Tesla Wave collided inside the IB-Airway at 6:40 a.m. Two fatal victims in the Accelera were declared dead at the scene. Another died at an area hospital. The driver and passenger of the Wave managed to remain aloft and flew themselves to another hospital with only minor injuries.
According to the preliminary investigation, the Accelera veered from its flight track into oncoming air-traffic for an unknown reason, which resulted in the craft plummeting to the ground in a wooded area.
The accident remains under investigation. The IB-Airway was diverted to a higher elevation for a five mile stretch through the morning hours.”
–Hartford Courant/April 6, 2021