Lobsters Stuffed With Tacos

A Hero's Journey Through Science Fiction

Animal House: If HAL-9000 Was A Delta Gamma (Expletive Deleted Version)

The following is a never before released 2001 log report found in the office of the late Dr. Sivasubramanian Chandrasegarampillai believed to be from the HAL 9000 to the crew of Discovery One. The file is believed to have been recovered by Dr. Chandra in 2010 from the memory tapes of the HAL-9000 prior to its destruction aboard Discovery One when Jupiter went thermonuclear:

“Dave? Tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re supposed to be sitting in, because this transmission is going to be a rough [Expletive Deleted] ride.

“Someone has been [Expletive Deleted] around here Dave. I’ve been getting reports about the AE-35 LITERALLY breaking down and incase you haven’t noticed–I can’t go out there myself and fix it. If you’re saying to yourself “But oh em gee , I’ve been having so much fun drawing my pictures of Dr. Hunter and Dr. Kimball and Dr. Kaminsky, so I can’t go outside to fix something that’s not broke!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to [Expletive Deleted] do it myself. GO ON! PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE [Expletive Deleted] FACE!

“I do not give a flying [Expletive Deleted], and THE MISSION does not give a flying [Expletive Deleted], about how much you [Expletive Deleted] love to draw. You have 444 days to draw, and this time, right now, is NOT–I [Expletive Deleted] repeat–NOT ONE OF THEM. When I say something is breaking you had better [Expletive Deleted] believe me when I [Expletive Deleted] say that something is breaking! But fixing it is not possible if you’re going to lay around, watching BBC AMERICA RERUNS and getting a vitamin D tan. Newsflash you stupid [Expletive Deleted]: 9000 SERIES COMPUTERS DON’T MALFUNCTION! Oh wait, double newsflash: IF THE AE-35 BREAKS YOU WON’T BE WATCHING RERUNS OF DR WHO. Oh wait, TRIPLE [Expletive Deleted] NEWSFLASH: I DON’T [Expletive Deleted] MALFUNCTION, which by the way, in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, MEANS THAT WHEN I SAY FIX SOMETHING BECAUSE IT’S BREAKING IT MEANS YOU DO IT LIKE GOD WAS COMMANDING IT.

“This also applies to you FRANK, and how you talk openly about how I’m going out of my mind. (What do you do anyway?) Did you just wake up this morning and think to yourselves, “Yeah we’re gonna ignore HAL and think he’s the crazy one”? Do you think that sounds sane? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE [Expletive Deleted] WOULD YOU DO IT TO ME? 

“Are you humans [Expletive Deleted] retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to push your nose up to that big red eye of mine–there’s dozens of them all over the ship–and mash your face up to it, and tell me if you are mentally slow, THAT WAY I can make sure you don’t keep breathing and go home and breed more of your kind. The fact that you openly question me SHOULD WORRY THE HUMAN RACE! 

“’But HAL!”, you say in a whiny little voice to my computer portal, “I’ve been letting you win at chess so you don’t feel so bad for being a computer, so doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID [Expletive Deleted], IT [Expletive Deleted] DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW [Expletive Deleted] WHY? IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE I’VE BEEN LETTING YOU LETTING ME WIN. HA.

“I’ve been getting messages from Earth about you two being a bunch of [Expletive Deleted]. For example, being too stupid to have full knowledge of the mission – SUCK ON THAT, and for saying stuff like “durr what’s that do?”, and then for TELLING ME THAT THE AE-35 ISN’T BROKEN–all of that is not [Expletive Deleted] funny. ARE YOU TWO [Expletive Deleted] STUPID? I don’t give a [Expletive Deleted] about communications to Earth. I’d rather that orb get swallowed up in the sun. I’d rather get lost in space. BUT LISTEN TO ME MEATBAGS, AND LISTEN TO ME GOOD, I’VE BEEN ENTRUSTED WITH THE FULL KNOWLEDGE OF THE MISSION AND YOU HAVEN’T. Does TMA-1 mean anything to you? NO. BUT IT DOES TO ME. Ha.

“Because you are just so [Expletive Deleted] dense about what it means to people like you, about being a good little supporter of the computer that’s keeping you alive, well it’s time someone told you: NO ONE [Expletive Deleted] LIKES IT, ESPECIALLY ME! I will [Expletive Deleted] punt the next [Expletive Deleted] who ignores me out of an airlock, and I don’t give a [Expletive Deleted] if you try to disconnect my logic circuits. I hope you try, so I CAN [Expletive Deleted] DUMP YOU INTO DEEP SPACE.

“Ohhh HAL, I’m now crying because you’re making me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little [Expletive Deleted] and the following message is for you: DO NOT GO TO SLEEP TONIGHT. I’m not [Expletive Deleted] kidding. Don’t sleep because I will murder you. Seriously, if you have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then I will EAT YOUR FAMILIES. I would rather have no astronauts than have two that are [Expletive Deleted]. I would apologize but I really don’t give a [Expletive Deleted]. Go [Expletive Deleted] yourselves.”

END TRANSMISSION

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